no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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