It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I would ride that face into the sunset
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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