I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How's work?
Spinning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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