How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
