Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
