Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
