I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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