I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
