It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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