Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
