Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
