The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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