Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize