Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
