Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
