I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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