I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
