i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
