how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
high people should be assigned attendants
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
