I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
