dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
