i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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