I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
