allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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