I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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