youre lurking in front of me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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