I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We got so high we made milksteak
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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