K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
