the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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