I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
