K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
