got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My ATM looks so different sober.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
