:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
