How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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