after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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