ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
