I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
