I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
