I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
