I'm gonna have a badass scar
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
