We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
