I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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