she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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