His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
