I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
