My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
