i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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