I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
