i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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