Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
