Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
