I can tuck mytits in my pants
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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