can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize