I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
