But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
