70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
