So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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