Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
