he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
