Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just blew my weed a kiss
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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