So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
