She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
