12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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