Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
